Miingle | Dating With Confidence: A conversation with Kimmy Seltzer
By Elle Hammond, our no-holds-barred in-house interviewer. She’s grilled field experts and celebrities all over the world, and isn’t afraid to ask the difficult questions.
Kimmy is a dating expert, charisma coach, image consultant and TV host. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We sat down with the fabulous Kimmy Seltzer to talk building confidence, flirting and sex on the first date…
Today, she’s a font of knowledge when it comes to dating and relationships. But that wasn’t always the case. Kimberly found herself unexpectedly single while living in LA, and it took a special revelation to find her way back to confidence…
“It starts way back when I was working as a therapist with a very different life. I was married with kids, a dog, a white picket fence. We’d recently moved to La La Land when my husband and I got a divorce. And, all of a sudden, I was in this new foreign land all alone, looking at myself in the mirror as this single mom. And I remember thinking I did not sign up for this!”
Kimmy talks about doing a lot of inner work at this point. As a therapist, she’d always believed in working from the inside out, so she’d tried counselling and had leaned on friends and family for support. But she still couldn’t get out of her own way. “All I did was wear these black, frumpy clothes! I was still wearing my nursing bra. That’s how stuck I was!”
Kimmy’s Red Dress Moment
“I had an epiphany. I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and just hated what I saw. I decided enough was enough and I went shopping, because I just couldn’t stand looking at myself any longer. I thought I was up-levelling myself but found myself choosing these sad black clothes all over again.”
It was asales lady that turned it all around, presenting Kimmy with a sexy red dress. Kimmy explained the dress looked way too small and wasn’t her colour. But the sales lady urged her to try it anyway.
“I call this my Red Dress Moment. I put it on and twirled around like Cinderella, and I bought the dress. Almost as a kind of costume. I went back out into the world and that’s when all this magic started to happen. Now I work from the outside in, it’s all about how people market themselves.”
Getting back into the dating game
We quizzed Kim on the advice she’d give to other new singles, who, perhaps, have yet to have their Red Dress moment…
“You’ve got to start small. Even the word confidence can be overwhelming. You hear people say to others ‘oh, just be more confident!’ And, it’s like if they knew how to do that they would! I define confidence as experience. I don’t believe there’s one person on the planet who isn’t confident in one area. There are always areas where they are confident. And why? It’s because they’ve had positive exposure to that area somewhere and they’ve had practice.”
According to Kim, it’s the little things we can do and be aware of to build confidence. And it all relates really closely to flirting.
“The word flirting in itself has a lot of reactions. Some people roll their eyes, some are excited, some get this pit in their stomach! If you actually look in the dictionary, the definition of flirting is to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. That last part is key. Most people have fears around this or make excuses not to do it, because they’re attached to the outcome. People overthink way beyond what it’s supposed to be.”
How to be more charismatic
Kimmy’s eyes light up when she talks about charisma. She mentions that it’s something that can be taught and learned – that no one is born with it.
“Role models are really important. Look at who does this well, and see what you can incorporate. Whatever makes you comfortable. It could be practicing your eye contact, for example. Your body language and dressing the part, feeling flirty in your body – it’s all important. Not one person has it right, we all have our own flirting style and I love helping people find this because it really helps with confidence. Get your own set of wing gals or wing guys and practice these things together. Practice flirting!”
As for that all-important first date outfit? “You gotta get out of the sweats! Just be mindful and make it your intention to put on something you feel good in and that you feel sexy in! It should be different to your own work clothes or your mummy clothes or your daddy clothes. It’s about the energy you put out.”
Working with the 3 C’s – Confidence, Cut, Colour
In Kimmy’s work as an image consultant, she looks at raising the style, emotional and social intelligence of her clients. Apparently, there are 3 ‘C’s’ to bear in mind when approaching a closet for the purpose of dating.
The first thing she recommends is picking out your ‘confidence clothes’, i.e. the outfits you feel good in. She says figure out why that particular item makes you feel good, and use that knowledge when you’re shopping next.
The second thing to think about is thecut of the clothes. She talks about the five body types of women and the three of men, and stresses the importance of knowing your type and what clothes flatter your figure.
The third C is colour – knowing which shades flatter our skin tones. “FYI, guys love red and pink. I always recommend women to wear red or pink in at least one of their profile photos. Men in general look good in blues, it’s just a matter of which blue looks good on them.”
Click here to sign-up for Kimmy’s free guide for dressing for your body shape.
How to make a good first impression
Kimmy says it takes just seven seconds to make an impression, and our assumptions are based on two things. Number one is the clothes we’re wearing, and number two is the attitude we present.
“It includes your emotions, your energy, the non-verbal signals that you’re sending. 93% of communication is non-verbal. It’s not even what you say, it’s how you present yourself. It’s about marketing yourself so someone gets to know who you are. If you’re showing the best version of you, you’ve got a greater chance of getting to the next level with somebody.
That does include the image that you have with your clothes. Remember, this is not a business meeting or a PTA meeting. Dress like you are trying to attract the opposite sex! Be mindful and have that intention. All of these things, your style, your body language – all of it adds up to making that first impression.”
Sex on the first date?
Kimberly admits she’s not a rules person, and doesn’t really believe in throwing out numbers and timeframes when it comes to things like when to have sex with a new romantic interest.
“We’re all so different. We have different stories, relationships, situations. What I do is get my clients to think about their mission around dating at this time. For example, a woman getting divorced, maybe she doesn’t want a relationship right now, maybe having sex is all she wants.”
Kimmy explains how crucial it is to get real clarity around your mission and your goals for dating. Once you have that, she says you can put people in different “buckets” depending on how you want to proceed with them. “It’s more about the content of what people are working with versus the numbers or the rules.”
The dating to relationship timeline
Another question we put to Kim was about the dating to relationship timeframe – is there an ideal scenario? Or is it different for everyone, as we’ve explored already?
“It’s a personal journey. The bottom line is making sure that whoever you’re trying to attract or get into a relationship with really earns you. And anybody who makes you feel like this isn’t the case…it’s probably going to be a toxic situation.”
Kim gets her clients to write down their negotiables and non-negotiables when they’re ready to get into a relationship. And it’s different for everyone. For example, some people will not live with a smoker. She says it sounds extreme but it’s an important exercise for determining what you want – and ultimately, getting what you deserve.
If you’re interested in finding out more about the ‘Seltzer style’, head over to Kimmy’s website – eliteimagersmakeovers.com. And check out the full video interview over on the Miingle YouTube channel.